#183. A Stranger and You

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Hi everyone,

As I am writing, the sun it out, and birds are chirping. I've got a crisp writin' seltzer by my side. (Polar Cranberry-Lime, if you're curious.) I didn't have to wake up at any specific time, but I woke up at a sensible time anyway. It's a pleasant morning!

I've been a little extra complainy in recent newsletters, which is both my prerogative and extremely reasonable given how much of the news has ranged from pain-in-the-ass to outright-atrocity lately. But that's not the purpose of this newsletter. Well, it's not the only purpose of this newsletter. I reserve the right to complain to my heart's kvontent (kvetching + content). Still, I would also like for this to be a nice time for readers and frankly, for me too.

We've got a pretty dark reader request for a pep talk, and that's for sure part of the fabric of That's Marvelous, but otherwise I'm going to try to keep this week upbeat. Here are some nice moments I had in the past week for starters.

Hosted Frankenbaby with Leiby, which was a blast. Afterwards, we had our traditional post-show Chaos Meal, a breakfast sandwich that we split on the street, but I had the game-changing, paradigm-shifting idea to get it on a hero instead of a bulkie roll since we were both hungry but not quite hungry enough to get our own sandwiches. I got to have dinner with my friend Kiva who was visiting from Los Angeles. I recorded three episodes of The Nightly with my newly-long-term co-host Wils. I figured out a new karaoke song, in the rare instances it's available ("Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying" by Belle and Sebastian). Maris and I also attended a baby's birthday, enjoyed Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie, had drinks with our friends Eva and Cal who were visiting from Australia, and took Maggie on a quick and enjoyable trip to New Jersey for Mother's Day to visit Maris's folks. My mother-in-law put out some of her best skull decorations in our honor. Shout out to Dan Aykroyd, king of glass skulls for furnishing this decor.

One small terrible thing happened, which was that I accidentally bit into an ibuprofen gel capsule, and it tasted so bad I googled whether I was going to be sick. I literally thought: I cannot imagine poison would taste worse than this. It tasted like the ink from a pen used to sign a death certificate. Ultimately, I was not sick at all but it did take several minutes to wash the flavor (Mountain Dew: Code Hemlock) out of my mouth.

Back to the good stuff: I am now going to pat myself on the back for doing something extremely easy. MY newsletter, MY sense of unearned satisfaction. Last week, I ordered a bunch of big-ass plastic tubs and did some reorganizing of my closet space. "Closet space" is kind of a euphemism if we're being real. I mean the actual space inside my closet (shelves and hanging shirts/pants) and also the dilapidated cardboard box next to my bed in which I kept all of my sweatshirts until last week. As a person who historically does not think much about the future and who rarely considers how a mediocre situation like Box Of Shirts On Floor could be improved, this was a massive success for me.

I don't know if this is anyone else, but I always have the hardest time thinning out my t-shirt collection. Shockingly late in life – roughly age 35 – I cultivated the adult habit of tossing underwear and socks in the trash when I noticed holes in them. I've built up the fortitude to do the same with a flannel or a sweater that's getting frayed or has always fit weirdly or has simply fallen out of my rotation. But t-shirts are a different kind of emotional albatross to cast off. I have an especially tough time ditching a t-shirt that commemorates an event that I want to remember or a band that doesn't exist anymore. I have anointed one drawer, the hardest one to open given its placement in my bedroom, the Sentimental Value drawer, which solved the problem for a while until that drawer got full of feelings in the shape of t-shirts. But the plastic bins have been a definite improvement overall!

Speaking of improvement! Maris and were part of the host committee for a little fundraiser for Brad Lander's run for Congress last week. I got to give a brief introductory speech for Candidate Lander, which was an honor and a stressor, but I think it went well! I appreciated getting to hear the former NYC Comptroller lay out his vision for a congressional term, and the room was full of people who asked SUCH thoughtful and incisive questions in a way that was probing without being hostile. I think that's the kind of thing that can happen in a smallish room where people are generally aligned and acting in good faith. And I am not a very spiritual person, but I do feel most plugged into Judaism as a tradition and a practice when I see other Jewish people standing up for immigrants and refugees and climate justice in a real Jewy way.

I'm not doing a ton of standup this week because I'm going to see a bunch of shows (Isaac Fitzgerald's book launch, Sam Campbell, Girl Mountain). Also I thiiiiiink I've got a new piece coming out on McSweeney's Internet Tendency in the next few days. I was worried that it was maybe a little too gross and mean for their taste, but my friends Zach Zimmerman and Blythe Roberson nudged me to send it in anyway, and they were right. Thanks, Zach and Blythe!!! Once the piece is published, I'll include it in the following newsletter and post it on social, so keep your eyes peeled if that's something you're interested in.

PEP TALK FOR A STRANGER

Last night after I returned my rental car, I was walking home when I heard an adult man yell out his car window to another adult man: "Yo, Elijah...you want some grapes?" I received each word of this inquiry with perfect fidelity but Elijah did not. "What??" he called back. "DO YOU WANT SOME GRAPES?" "Oh, no thanks!" End of conversation.

I didn't look back to see what either participant in this exchange looked like. I continued my walk, delighted by the wholesomeness of what my ears had witnessed. I don't know that grapes are the antidote to loneliness, but I loved the openness and assertiveness with which one friend offered fresh fruit to the other at 8:30pm. It's heartening anytime you see people taking care of each other. And obviously I am partial to grape-related acts of care.

I'm such a sucker for seeing people looking out for each other in public. Whether that's offering a friend grapes, providing water for an unhoused person, or helping a stranger carry a baby stroller up the subway stairs. It always makes me feel like I'm walking through Richard Scarry's Busytown, which is of course a life goal of anyone who ever read those books.

There is a purity to the urgency with which this guy yelled out the window of his parked car. Like he would have regretted not offering the grapes. That's so beautiful to me. Make the effort to be there for someone, even if it feels slightly uncomfortable. What's the worst that could happen? You attract a stranger's attention and end up with all the grapes to yourself after all.

(See? This was a nice one, right?)

PEP TALK FOR A READER

I've done a little condensing of this request for anonymity reasons, but it's a heavy one and I tried to honor that feeling.

Hi Josh! Don’t know if this is too dark for you pep talks, but three people I know [with the same first name] died within the first three months this year. It started with my Dad in January, someone my wife worked with in February, and a college friend in March. It got to the point where we were doing a mental inventory of other [people with that name] that we know! On top of all that my department at work has been going through a poorly executed re-org, so that’s been stressful too. 

- The News In Grief

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. And I want to start out by reiterating the longstanding That's Marvelous maxim that while you're in the middle of one bad situation, more unpleasant circumstances should not be allowed to befall you. A poorly-executed re-org during a period of intense grief should be made – if not illegal – practically disallowed. The funhouse reflection of "life goes on" (encouraging, positive) is "life goes on" (can you believe this shit?). But that is part of the whole deal of being alive continuously, and I hope you have lots of love and support nearby and that you get through this confluence of horrors okay.

Let's talk for a minute about the eerie nature of these recent tragedies. There's a mystical piece of wisdom that goes around in situations like this, where people will tell you that death comes in threes. That's something people say to obscure the fact that death is constantly happening, whether or not it's happening to people we know. To key in on three losses as the completion of a narrative arc is almost an incantation to ward off future, unsanctioned misfortunes. Death comes in threes, not fours or fives so the universe better knock it off and play by the rules.

On the other hand, losing three people in your life with the same name does feel like a pattern being established, and I understand the psychological compulsion to form a checklist of the other people by that name – I'll call them Bartholomews for convenience and privacy – in order to keep a watchful eye over them. I would want to keep the living Bartholomews in my life safe in a bunker if I noticed such a terrifying trend emerging around me.

Here's the hopeful part: Just because a series of bad things have been happening, does not mean that they will keep happening. This horrific depletion of the Bartholomews in your life (the Bartholocaust, if you will) is not an irreversible curse levied by a vengeful witch. It's not the work of a serial killer who must be tracked down and stopped. It is, despite the meaning our human brains try to infuse it with, a series of terrible and unrelated events that are (probably, hopefully) over for now. And the cessation of bad news is good news, despite the lingering aftershocks of grief.

If you'll allow me a little extrapolating, there's another version of "bad things don't have to keep happening" that feels worth touching on while we're here in Bad Time City. And that is the fact that even if a series of events is part of a replicating pattern, that's something we can squash with effort and collaboration. We can quit bad habits. We can organize against broader injustices. We can (hypothetically speaking) speak up or look for new jobs when our workplaces are being reshuffled in inefficient and unpleasant ways.

There's no silver lining to a situation like the one you've faced. All there is is leaning on your support system for comfort, and being part of that network of care for the people around you who need it too. But what feels like a scary trend is sometimes just a cluster of random bad news that we've trendified in our minds, and when it's not, we often have the power to reverse it. Death comes for everyone, but not all in a row. Even so, go ahead tell your Bartholomews you love them while they're still here.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: Future Teens - "Bad Faith"

Thanks to my friend Claudia's Instagram stories, I learned that that Future Teens, who I'd been meaning to look into, have a new album out now. Sonically it spans a spectrum of low-key indie rock to some spikier pop punk. "Bad Faith" contains a pretty straightforward message (don't be a piece of shit) and the clever kind of turn of phrase that makes me go "now that's a song lyric!" (It's "get off your knees and pray.") The band has described its music as "bummer pop" but I think there's something hopeful in fighting for people to be better to each other, even when that's not happening yet.

UPCOMING SHOWS

I'm mostly bopping around NYC this spring and summer doing spots, but I'm ramping up my road schedule for the fall! Where should I go?

5/15: Private Club (NYC)

5/19: The Internet Live at BibbleBash (Brooklyn)

5/27: Josh Gondelman, Jean Grae, and John Hodgman in Alphabetical Order at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

5/28: Do It Live w/ Chika at Caveat (NYC)

5/29-5/30: Blue Ridge Comedy Club (Bristol, TN)

6/3: Fundraiser Gig (Burlington, VT)

6/9: World's Best Dads at Caveat (NYC)

6/11: Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! Live Recording (Chicago)

6/14: Beauty Bar (NYC)

6/21: Father's Day Daytime Show at Harpoon Brewery (Boston)

6/24: Comedians You Should Know at Greenpoint Comedy Club (Brooklyn)

7/23: Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! Live Recording (Chicago)

10/21: Dallas, TX (DETAILS COMING SOON)

10/22: Houston, TX (DETAILS COMING SOON)