By Josh Gondelman — 09 Feb 2026

#170. Gamblers and You

David Ortiz! Noooo!

Hi everyone,

It's been a weird one!!! Just bleak news stories wall to wall (including the impending lack of news stories being written and reported for The Washington Post thanks to hundreds of layoffs). Maris wrote really powerfully about how discouraged she's felt by the numerous appearances by rich, powerful, and influential men in the publishing industry – among others – in the Epstein Files. It is truly demoralizing to see how much money and influence was marshaled for the sake of allowing a network of wealthy creeps to commit unfettered sex crimes. And it's so crushing to learn how many people in these positions can't wait to use their leverage to abuse women and girls in the horrible ways people have for centuries. None of these losers even did any fun or cool crimes. Just wage theft and pedophilia. Disgusting.

Not to mention, the New England Patriots lost the Super Bowl, much to the dismay of everyone across Bad Bunny's America, I presume. The better team won, which was frankly a bummer because I was cheering for the worse team. The halftime show ruled though. And we raised a little money through the #AGoodGame initiative that Emma Sandoe and I started several years ago.

Meanwhile, I've been professionally goofing around and watching other people professionally goof around all week. Frankenstein's Baby on Monday was so fucking good. It still always trips me out to get to work with David Cross whose standup (and performances in Mr. Show and Arrested Development, obviously) was so formative for me in college. But everyone was great! I'm always happy to see Cody Wilkins back from LA!

David Cross, George Civeris, Jordan Ashleigh, Cody Wilkins, Leiby, Jonathan Van Halem, Tyrone Thornhill, Guest DJ Jas, MC Nanda, Sami Schwaeber, Joyelle Nicole Johnson — There are dozen of us! Dozen!

On Wednesday night I saw James Acaster's new show for the second time. It is SO good. I think it's probably more enjoyable if you're already an Acaster fan since there are some in-jokes (he makes a reference to how inconsiderate he's being to the +1s in the crowd). But it's full of so many silly jokes and smart jokes and physical jokes and intricate logical jokes. And ultimately it's a beautiful meditation on ego death, in my opinion at least. I probably wrote some similar things after I saw him in Warsaw (where I was on Friday night) last summer, but I laughed just as much the second time, and the show was even a little tighter. Just about as good as standup comedy can be!

Thursday I flew to Chicago for an extraordinarily fun Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! recording. The vibe of the panel (me, Tig Notaro, Tom Bodett) was really warm and excellent from the time we met in the lobby to walk over to the theater. Mychal Threets (the beloved librarian who now hosts Reading Rainbow) was the guest, and he was so sweet and smart and charming. It was hard to laugh about the news this week (see above) but I could not stop cracking up when Tom could not remember Jeffrey Epstein's first name and kept coming back to "Richard" as a guess. I did briefly bum the audience out a little bit, but I got them back on my side by yelling at them. Classic me. After the show I had a really lovely talk with Tig about her Oscar nomination (!!!) and comedy and loving our wives.

Friday I saw Antarctigo Vespucci (the Jeff Rosenstock/Chris Farren project feat. Benny Horowitz on drums and John Dedominici on bass). They haven't toured in six or seven years and holy shit they just rip so hard live. What a good time. Maris and I saw a bunch of friends there on purpose and by accident, and then the next day I learned from social media that even MORE friends were there and I missed them, which is its own sweet pang of gentle regret. (We had gone out for a heavy Italian dinner with our friend Rose before the show and it was very helpful for being sleepy and not too jazzed as soon as we got home.)

On Saturday I zipped up to Boston to open for my old friends The Grownup Noise who reunited to put out new music for the first time in several years. It made me so happy to see them playing together again. I saw MANY old friends, some for the first time in a decade, and I weirdly felt like everyone else looked the same and I had aged 700 years, which seems not possible, so I'll presume it's not what happened. I also got to meet Happy Little Clouds, the opening band, and they were cool and good too! Plus, I broke out my Kowloon sneakers for the first time. They're a collab the legendary restaurant did with footwear brand Tagz, and the profits (Or some of the profits? I didn't look it up.) benefitted the Joey Fund.

Brown and red Kowloon sneakers. The fortune on the toe says: You will have fresh kicks today. — My prized possessions.

During my set on Saturday, everyone in the audience was standing (not for ovation purposes...the venue didn't have any chairs) except for a row of several eight-year-old girls who sat criss cross applesauce directly in front of the stage. Thanks to my years of preschool teaching and public radio experience, I was able to perform for 20 minutes (okay, I went one minute long) without saying any curse words. I did tell one story about meeting a guy who was too into feet, but I think I did it in a way where they won't have too many follow up questions for their parents.

Sunday I watched the Super Bowl with my parents, neither of whom drink, so my dad and I went insane off of pure Massachusetts. I legitimately grew up knowing that people would drink beer while watching football while reacting to the game with similar intensity while stone cold sober. It's good to know that that level of irrational emotional attachment is still in there. And it's so beautiful that somewhere out in the world, Ben Affleck was doing the same thing.

Also, when the Patriots are good it always makes me think fondly about my grandmother who once delayed a chemotherapy treatment by a day so she'd have the energy to watch a regular season Patriots game on tv that night. Being from New England should be in the DSM, but in a good way. I feel stronger because of it. Like how I have gained extra resilience through coming to expect that my Dunkin' order will not be correct when I receive it, and just sucking it up and drinking it anyway.

Okay so I'll be in Philadelphia on the 20th and 21st of this month at the Fitler Club presented by Helium Comedy Club. I love performing in Philly and I'd love to see you all there, Philadelphia readers.

PEP TALK FOR GAMBLERS

DraftKings still from above. — Has anyone remarked on the fact that Kevin Hart is small in stature?

It's fun to bet on the outcome of otherwise meaningless events. Adding stakes to activities with no intrinsic big picture value can even turn a coin toss into a memorable occurrence. That's kind of the plot of No Country For Old Men. There's more too it than that, but a man with a bad haircut flipping a quarter with no life or death verdict attached to it doesn't quite have the same juice.

That said, gambling has gotten corny and annoying. It's also actively destructive in many instances, as my friend Hannah Keyser recently reported for CNN. But that's not my point here. My point is that gambling is increasingly loser behavior.

Gambling should be something you have to hide from your wife and children. It should not be an activity that Kevin Hart begs you to do at every commercial break. While we're here: Is there a single thing that is beneath Kevin Hart to beg me to do at every commercial break? Some of these ads feature LeBron James, who despite being the same age as me–a guy who has to do several minutes of yoga before bending down to tie his shoes–is still a professional basketball player. That's ridiculous! I understand that there's a difference between LeBron endorsing a particular betting service and Terry Rozier (allegedly) manipulating in-game activity so bettors get paid out. That difference is: The first one seems weirdly worse to me.

In one instance, a player is getting a few people paid a few tens of thousands of dollars through the use or non-use of his well-honed skills. In the other, a beloved public figure is beckoning vulnerable fans down a fraught financial path. Let's put it this way: If we found out Tom Brady played Super Bowl XLIX while on heroin...that would have honestly been kind of impressive. GOAT behavior. Peyton Manning could never etc. If Tom Brady did an ad for heroin we'd be like...uh oh that divorce was harder on him than we thought. Somebody's got to sit him down and set him straight. It seems unfair to me that gambling has been legalized but cheating is still against the rules. They're equally dirtbag activities.

Let's me be clear: I'm not a prude. I think sports gambling should be fully legal. I just think you should have to do it in person, with cash, paid to a big-ass dude who will beat the shit out of you if you don't pay your debts on time. Or maybe he doesn't even have to be allowed to beat the shit out of you. But he should at the very least stand there massaging a clench fist with his other hand while you place your wagers. Ironically, these perils (ass-kicking, hanging out in seedy environments) provide safeguards that help most people avoid the worst excesses of what can be a reasonably enjoyable vice. But that's not how things work now!

You can presently gamble using your phone in 30ish states. It's as easy and self-destructive as using Uber Eats (I see you, McConaughey and Clooney...yuck.) to order fifteen Big Macs and then drinking them like a smoothie.

Not to mention, sooooo much sports media is now sponsored by (eek!) and focused on (yuck!) gambling. Knowing the point spread of a game is degenerate behavior. When you watch sports, you are supposed to go insane because of where you grew up or went to college. Not because you used the same machine you employ to text gifs from The Office to your childhood friends for the purpose of wagering three months of utility payments on the Jacksonville Jaguars losing, but by less than they're expected to lose by. The point of sports is to be thrilled by victory! Not to hope a losing team "covers." Again, that's literal loser behavior. (I know why there is a point spread, from the point of view of gambling institutions, but it's dull to talk about on a broadcast or even a podcast.)

And now, barely-regulated "markets' like Kalshi and Polymarket allow for gambling all dressed up like stock trading? Nerd shit!!! Oh you can bet on who's going to be the next president? Can you also have sex with a bag of sand, you dumbass? Go outside!!! Live your life!!!! Plus, the level of insider trading baked into the existence of these markets is preposterous. It's like being able to shave points but without even being good at dunking or touchdowns. Boo.

Gamblers, I do not think ill of you personally! The aura of your hobby has been hobbled by granting unlimited access to dweebs. It's like how there's nothing cool about buying weed because twerps like me can go to a store that has the ambiance of a West Elm and purchase modestly regulated gummies in elegant packaging to help them get to sleep.

Only you can reclaim the cool edge of your pastime. Make the habit feel grimy and a little unpleasant again, the kind of thing you do where people can still smoke cigarettes indoors. I mean, obviously given the dangers and the lives being ruined, maybe we'll see these advances rolled back. But given who's in charge of the government and how much money is at stake...I wouldn't bet on it.

PEP TALK FOR A READER

We're doing a slightly different thing here this week. You'll see what I mean.

Paradoxically, I am having a banner week, having finally received a diagnosis of narcolepsy after ~20 years. Instead of discouraged, I am delighted to have my condition acknowledged, and be one step closer to the tightly-controlled, sole option for medication beyond popping a fistful of stimulants.
- Sleep No More

Okay wow yeah! Now we're talking! It's rare that I put out a call for pep talk requests and someone tells me that things are unexpectedly good in their life. I am always open to this news. It's just like...in this information economy? Lately it's felt like any big news has been more like: "My boss laid off the whole company so his kids could use the headquarters as a skate park where they pay interns to do skateboard tricks for their amusment." OR "RFK Jr. decided that the medicine for my chronic illness should be illegal because it contains medicine."

So it was frankly a thrill for someone to write to me with a defined problem that is already on the path to a solution. Knowing an answer is out there can be such a relief on its own. When you're hungry, but there's a slice of cold pizza in the refrigerator, the knowledge itself doesn't make you un-hungry, but it really does take the edge off. I've heard from so many people in my life that receiving a diagnosis feels so stabilizing in contrast to a lingering mystery problem. It stinks when your knee hurts. It steadies you to hear the difficult-to-pronounce word for your exact brand of knee pain. It's best of all when the solution is in your hands (or the hands of a capable physical therapist, in some cases).

I'm sure you are (metaphorically) clear-eyed about where you are on your path to resolving your issue with (literal) bleary eyes. But I loved that you wrote in with good news. It's important to remember that sometimes problems have solutions, and it's worth seeking those answers out even if it takes a long time. You're not doomed simply because you've encountered a setback. "You" here means you the reader and also people in general and also me.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
The Grownup Noise - "We Become Roses"

The new Grownup Noise album is so gentle and wistful and sweetly written and performed. The opening track feels like a cozy blanket on a cold night. I missed hearing Paul and Katie harmonize. The guitar and bass and cello (!!!) and drums and vocals all blend seamless together so the songs feel almost naturally occurring, like a forest or a sunset. (This is probably my favorite older Grownup Noise song!)

I ran into my friend "Evil" Gus on Friday night and we had a nice little chat about how wonderful it is to experience art as a relief from the stresses of the world. And it's extra wonderful when friends make art you love.

With that in mind, here's an Antarctigo Vespucci song that (no offense to the band fun.) should have been at least as big a hit as any song by the band fun.