By Josh Gondelman — 05 Jan 2026

#165. Pacifists and Resolution Hype

"No new wars" didn't even last as far into 2026 as most Dry Januaries.

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Hi everyone,

Happy new year now that it's actually here! I got home from my little swing through the Pacific Northwest last Thursday night and have been mostly laying low in the neighborhood with Maris and Maggie the Pug since then. We finished watching Season 1 of The Chair Company, which I loved. It had the pacing of a mystery/thriller, except that everyone was extremely weird and dumb, and nothing that bad happened to any major character (a relief for anxious viewers like me).

We also watched Blue Moon, in which Ethan Hawke played Lorenz Hart, Richard Rogers's songwriting partner before he started working with Oscar "Stop..." Hammerstein II. (No one calls him "Stop...Hammerstein" but it does pop into my head whenever I hear his name). The film felt a little like an adaptation of a stage play, although I don't think it was actually one. But the choices that director Richard Linklater made (setting the whole movie on essentially one night and basically in one location, placing a HUGE weight on one actor's ability to monologue at the others) really worked for me even though I'm usually way out on artist biopics.

A few months back, Maris and I saw the one about Bruce Springsteen starring Jeremy Allen White, and it felt like a movie I'd seen before. Like, the specifics about Springsteen's life came through, but they were all poured into a mold in the shape of A Movie About A Rock Star. Things are better than ever...but are they? An artist wants to make artsier songs...because of his childhood. I am very happy that (spoiler alert) Bruce Springsteen ultimately started therapy, but that doesn't mean I needed two hours of loose reenactment 0f the events that led to that decision.

Clearly that movie was not made for me (even though I love The Boss), but I would have really enjoyed seeing an attempt at a smaller, more intimate take on the story. More scenes of The Bearboss and Paul Walter Hauser recording demos in a cabin. Scenes of Springsteen talking through his vision with his band (and, crucially, their response to his new artistic direction; his bandmates in the movie didn't have speaking roles). Blue Moon takes tangentially similar subject matter, an artist at a low point in terms of his mental health, and shows him flailing desperately instead of just brooding while looking cool. I'm all in on Ethan Hawke, Art Guy, and I hope he keeps making weird and specific choices like this forever.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my recent shows in Portland (much like the show in Seattle) were terrific. Thank you to everyone who came out to Helium, especially everyone who sold out the Tuesday night show!!! I've never had a show in a room that size where audience members were (reportedly) being turned away because there was no space for them, and on a weeknight no less. The amazing PNW crowds last week have really helped me round this new-ish hour-ish of jokes into shape, and I am extremely hyped about continuing to tour it and get it as tight as possible before recording it...sometime.

The only snag in my Portland/Seattle trip was getting a big smudge of pen ink on the pants I brought to wear onstage and having to buy new pants. Because I was in kind of an upscale part of town, all the new jeans for purchase within walking distance were $250 at least, and I can't spend that much on jeans because I'm not a DJ. Instead, I went to Columbia (the outdoor gear store, not the university) and asked for the least tactical pants they had for sale. I didn't want to look like I was hiding several different hunting knives. According to Kate Murphy, who hosted all the shows at Helium, the pants looked fine but sounded "crazy, like [I was] wearing a tent." But we made it through despite the slight noisiness of my substitute pants.

Throughout the bulk of the trip though I had a bunch of great meals including an incredible breakfast enchilada at the Stepping Stone Cafe thanks to my friend Emmy Blotnick's recommendation. I saw a bunch of excellent friends from college and comedy and other writing circles. Thanks to Kate and David Tveite for killing on every show and to the other guests as well (Shane Torres, Zak Toscani, Julia Corral). And a huge shout out to Geoff Tate for bringing me along to a Blazers game (where we sat next to David and Kate).

The Amazing Sladek shouting on the jumbotron at the Moda Center. He's wearing a red shirt open 1/4 way down his chest. — See Sladek yourself before he wrecks himself.

I love seeing basketball in person, and this game also featured a halftime performance by The Amazing Sladek, who bills himself as the oldest daredevil acrobat in America. He legitimately looks like he was born when "daredevil" was a prevalent form of entertainer, before tv existed but after town criers faded away. And I do think that in America, post-retirement age is the best time to take up daredevilry because you're on Medicare and Social Security so you've got the social safety net working for you in addition to your literal safety net.

T.A. Sladek builds a tower of chairs (est.) 20-30 feet high and climbs it as he constructs the thing. When he reaches his apex, he does a handstand on top and then screams into the crowd. It doesn't even feel like the scream has anything to do with the audience. It looks more like a challenge to god to try and strike him down. It made me lose respect for all those businessmen who die at their desks from stress. Like, this dude's job is so stressful and yet he remains alive. Nothing but respect from me for the Unkillable Sladek. I hope he continues to terrify onlookers for decades to come if he wants.

Key art for my special People Pleaser. I'm standing in front of kind of a cartoon party landscape. — I will never learn that wearing a cardigan for a recording makes my forehead sweat too much.

I've been making a lot of noise about my new special Positive Reinforcement being available on YouTube, but also my previous special People Pleaser is watchable for free (with ads) on Tubi! It's got a lot of my favorite old jokes on it, plus a few that I wrote mostly for Zoom shows in 2020 and 2021, so they're a little weird, in a way I'm glad was preserved.

Flyer for tonight's Frankenbaby show feat. Sabrina Wu, Jeff Hiller, Nat Towsen, Maddy Kelly, and Alon Elian. — To once again quote Billy Corgan: "Toniiiiiight...tonight."

TONIGHT: Alison Leiby and I are co-hosting this week's edition of Frankenstein's Baby at Union Hall in Brooklyn with an outstanding lineup including Jeff Hiller of Somebody Somewhere fame (and Emmy win)!!!

ON JANUARY 17TH: Alison and I are hosting a Sup, Bro? show in San Francisco at Cobb's Comedy Club as part of Sketchfest! It's going to be fun as hell. We've got Jean Grae, Janeane Garofalo, Doug Benson, and Brendan Scannell on the lineup!

And didn't realize it last Monday, but Sophia Benoit and Kelsey June Jensen had me on their podcast back in July, and our very fun episode just came out last week!

PEP TALK FOR PACIFISTS

The Mar A Lago war room picture from above. — One room over, Florida's richest idiots are eating the most overcooked steaks in America.

I am old enough to remember and have forgotten many U.S.-backed or simply U.S.-implemented regime changes in countries across the globe. Unless you are a war profiteer (who books that? jkjkjk) it is a fairly uniformly bad time all the way around. I have a clear memory of arguing with a right-leaning English teacher during the U.S. invasion of Iraq that we could simply...not do that. At the time, the argument in favor of war was that America as a global superpower had the obligation to act as a global peacekeeper/police force, which was eloquent but specious.

Now, the argument seems to be that...I don't know...any boats that might have drugs on them are fair game for the U.S. military. And look, I don't think we should be blowing up boats with people in them as kind of a general rule. But if "might contain drugs" is the criteria for demolition, that puts every superyacht on the globe at risk, huh? These people are not taking ships the size of small towns into international waters to breathe in the salt air and take a few ginger shots.

Over the weekend, the U.S. escalated its lethal game of Battleship Against Non-battleships by abducting President of Venezuela (Nicolás Maduro) and his wife. And if your first impulse upon hearing that question was to ask: "Hey what the fuck?"...you're right! What the fuck! That's the takeaway. I would add "You can't do that!" except that they clearly can and did, despite what appear to be clear violations of international law.

This was not an instance Donald Trump and Marco Rubio and Pete Hegseth teaming up to do something nice for the people of Venezuela. These are three of the most unpleasant men on earth. The best thing they could do for any person or group of people is leave them the fuck alone (and I'm including both foreign nations and their own families in this broad suggestion). From their press appearances so far, it seems like the U.S. government plans to operate Venezuela like a puppet regime but without even making the effort to puppeteer. Venezuela is (for now) ruled by an empty sock with googly eyes on it. And we all know nothing is better for a nation's well-being than a power vacuum. It's got the word "power" right in the title.

Even if these people authentically wanted what was best for the people of Venezuela (which Trump doesn't care about because none of the people of Venezuela are Donald Trump, and which Pete Hegseth doesn't care about because doing what's best for someone rarely includes dropping bombs on them while showing off your white supremacist tattoos, and which Marco Rubio doesn't care about because they aren't another doomed presidential run...good luck in 2028 you soggy little weasel) this is not how to accomplish that.

If your friend has the sniffles, you do not cut their head off with an axe. It may stop the sniffles, but it causes much bigger problems and is extremely illegal. If you see a cat stuck in a tree by the side of the road, you do set the tree on fire. It may bring the cat closer to the ground but the cost is...substantial. And again...it's not your tree to set on fire.

I don't have a defense to offer of Maduro's leadership (I'm a dumbass who doesn't know enough about it!) as much as it is a critique of a U.S. president who has toppled a government and has intimated that he might do the same to several other countries within toppling distance.

I said that this pep talk was for pacifists, which isn't entirely true. I do think sometimes certain people need to get bopped on the head for the sake of the greater good. The real target for this pep talk is people who are generally against war and especially against unconstitutional wars against nations who didn't agree to participate in military conflict. If that sounds wrong to you, it is. It's wrong even if the proponents make an eloquent argument in its favor, and it's more obviously wrong when they don't even try.

HYPE FOR YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Over on Bluesky, I asked if anyone had new year's resolutions they were excited about. I got some great replies, and I'm going to offer them a little encouragement here. I've done some light tweaking of these resolutions for grammar and clarity, but I've kept the core message the same for all of them. Please feel free to adopt any of these resolutions (or encouragements) as your own!

I have the same resolution as the last couple years, which I've come closer and closer to fulfilling: Sweat every day and nap every day.

I love the balance at play here. Sweat a little. Nap a little. Not to brag, but sometimes I sweat when I nap, and I never considered that it could be a two-birds-one-stone situation, and now I have, so thank you for that.

My resolution is to finally try and meet people and make friends in my area and I'm doing it by auditioning for community theater.

Outstanding plan. Diving into an activity with a common interest is such a great way to connect with people. It's a great place to start looking for friends. And, honestly, a theater is also a great place to find a new nemesis, which can be a big part of cultivating a thriving community. Find some people you want to spend more time with and also someone you want to drive to madness with your successes. Two more birds with one more stone.

I'm trying to use the expression "they thought of everything," more often because I think it's underrated how funny it is.

I LOVE a bit-based resolution. It is, in my opinion, very important to commit to goofing around when appropriate. One of my favorite little life bits is firmly stating "Deal." whenever a cashier tells me the price of anything. It's bad and no one appreciates, or even notices, it, but it's fun for me. Maris and I also do New Jersified "Italian" pronunciations of non-Italian foods. (Think: Gabagool for capicola.) Patient zero of this bit was referring to peanut butter and jelly as: "Apeanubuddahjehlll." I salute your bit, and I hope you are able to keep it up.

Not to get too serious, but last year got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, so I lost 47 pounds and averaged 3.9 miles walk/jogging a day. My resolution is to up that to 5 miles per day (plus hopefully shed another 20 pounds) in 2026.

This sounds like an extremely healthy and reasonable approach to take to maintaining your body! Go easy on your knees though! Rest when you have to. That's part of it.

I realize my bar is set extremely low as all I can think of is ONE FOOT IN PANTS BEFORE THE OTHER.

Okay we talk about clearing a low bar, but what about when you're doing the limbo? Then the lower the bar is, the harder it is to succeed. Ever thought of that? Maybe you're not trying to high jump, and you prefer to play by limbo rules instead. Or maybe you are just too depleted at the moment to take on lofty goals, and all you can do is hop over the bar as it rolls across the floor. Either way, congratulations on your sensible pants resolution. I have no doubt you will be able to keep it at least most of the time. Also, once you feel like you're on firm ground with the literal donning of trousers, "one foot before the other" is a great metaphor for any number of things. Great versatile resolution.

Last year one of my resolutions was to read more books for fun, then realized almost all the books I read were memoirs or nonfiction. So this year I want to read more fiction. I’ve started off with The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.

Again, a fun resolution is so good because you get to enjoy it when you're implementing it. That's like two victories in a single situation. If only there was a handy expression for that.

I'm going to do more baking projects, I love to make time & skill intensive stuff & I want to level up this year! Cannelle & a croquembouche tower are on my list.

Yet another resolution where following through means that you've honored a commitment to yourself and ALSO come away with a material gain. When you bake, you not only practice a discipline and cultivate a skill, but you wind up with something delicious to eat. That is not the same with all of these resolutions. Some of them (don't tell the resolutioners) create opportunities for frustration and disappointment. Any setbacks on the Road to Croquembouche will be temporary, private, and possibly still delicious just to a lesser extent than you'd hoped.

My resolution is to add pockets to clothes I wish had pockets. (it’s the little things…)

As a man, I was born with pocket privilege, and I've taken it for granted for most of my life. I have learned to appreciate the joy of pockets more and more, and I am thrilled to hear you will experience an increase in that aforementioned joy.

I’m gonna go to more recovery meetings and some chess nights at a local coffee shop.

Excellent goals. Social, health-oriented, vague enough to be able to achieve without constant effort. Great work here.

This is the year I venture out of my house to meet people, be more social, engage in life more. I feel like i've been missing out on life the past five years and i'm ready to really live again (thank you, Prozac).

Similar thing here where "more" is not quantified, so as long as you're creeping towards this north star little by little, any progress counts. Make sure to chalk up your wins instead of counting not-venturing as a loss every second you aren't playing pickup basketball or taking a snorkeling class.

I'm getting into musicals this year, having seen only a handful of them in my life. Will start with movies first to get a strong base, and it might branch out to going to some stage shows eventually, dunno yet

So far this year I've watched Damn Yankees & old West Side Story.

Hell yeah. I'm so glad you've found a new genre you enjoy! If you end up stalled with the classics, you can always watch like...cheat musicals. The year La La Land (controversial sorta musical) came out, we also got Sing Street and Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, two excellent musicals that don't do the "Now it's time for singing! No more talking, only singing!" thing that some people love and other people do NOT like at all.

I'm going to buy a film camera and start taking pictures again.

Also, going to make albums for the kids so they have physical pictures of all of us together and them as kids – so much of it is on our phones but I don't want them to lose them if something happens.

This is such and exciting endeavor! I have a lot of friends who have started taking pictures on film to have tangible reminders of good times and not just a morass of data that is daunting to sift through and easy to forget to look back at at all. Too often, pictures on a phone just languish unless they're posted on social media. Is something really a memento if you don't...'member it? Although I will say, even just categorizing my pictures with friends into their own album on my phone has been a real joy. I've been pretty diligent about it the last few years, and I'm really grateful I took that little virtual hygiene task on. It's easy to catch up on during flights or subway rides, and I pretty much always stumble across a photo I'd forgotten and am glad to be reminded of.

I resolve to be more aggressive about promoting myself, because apparently it's no longer enough to let one's body of work speak for itself.
(Not sarcastic! Just disillusioned! And really tired!)

Do it! As I've said here before: You deserve to show yourself the same enthusiasm for your own good work that you'd offer to someone else's! (Arguably more because you worked hard on it!) I think, to various extents, the work has not always spoken for itself for everyone. It's a perk we don't all enjoy (and a diminishing number now receive that benefit). Hype yourself up! You're allowed (and, sadly, borderline required)!

My New Year's Resolution is to continue growing boobs and I am extremely excited about this.

Keep up the good boob work! (This resolution came from a transgender adult and not a teen girl, whose aims in this arena I would probably gently decline to publish out of a sense of decorum.)

(two separate but related requests)
I’m going to finish my novel draft and make more ridiculous pillows.
I want to crotchet a blanket and complete a full draft of my novel!

Yes! You can do these things! And if they take longer than you expected, you can dilate the timeline (the name for a future yo-yo trick?) and finish them a little later. Self-directed creative projects are an exercise in kicking your butt enough to keep yourself moving but not so much that you bruise your butt and you can't sit down and you have to eat dinner standing up next to the table or lying on your tummy.

My resolution has many parts, but the sum of it is: to pick up all the old habits that made me happy before the plague hit in 2020 and I stopped doing most of them. To resume being my most self, and not a self who wishes she could be that person again.

This is such a thoughtful resolution. While a goal with many parts can sometimes feel like a lot to get your arms around, it is also a path with many different checkpoints, reaching any of which can count as a success. It's like the old trick of breaking down a to-do list into small enough steps like "make to-do list" and "shower/shave" that you are practically assured of building momentum unless you fall asleep immediately (and even then, if one of your items to-be-done is napping...bam!...checkmark!).

Thinking about the habits that served you in the past as a buffet of self rather than one big slippery oyster you've got to swallow whole is extremely smart and again allows you to rack up little wins and even jettison the parts of your past won't improve your future. You're like a rocket, releasing its stages after takeoff, except you are doing it psychically rather than physically. Unless "having legs" was a habit you are trying to ditch. Then it's physical too. We are being a little fluid with metaphors and realities here, which is okay on a Monday morning.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: Ratboys - "Anywhere"

Okay so emotionally this is kind of a stressful song, but rhythmically it's extremely propulsive, and as readers know...that counts sometimes. It's also hopeful through the anxiety. Not everything that's gone is lost forever. The beginning sounds a little like "Amsterdam" by Guster which is a GOOD thing to me! And there are handclaps too? Look, I'm not made of stone. This all adds up to a PMUSOTW!

Ratboys are a That's Marvelous favorite, and I think I last included them here in mid-late 2023. I've missed them on their last couple of tours through New York City, but hopefully I'll catch them this time.